I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue quipped Mrs Trellis

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Newtown Crime Crusade

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I have been pleasantly surprised by Inspector Rogers' good common sense and honesty when he put a notice on the bulletin board. I have been speaking to him and we have decided it would be very public spirited of me to have a "Crime Crusade" page on my wobsite.

Those lovely people who mismanage my site say that anything is possible for me. Oh they do know how to get a girl enthusiasmed. I've told them they can come and have some of my all green bush mange tout anytime.

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Inspector RogersFirst may I remind all readers to follow these simple steps to reduce crime. 1-Park in safe areas 2-Activate alarm 3-Shut all orifices and 4-Don't leave anything on display
Inspector RogersMoving swiftly on, we are investigating a break in at the show home at Caenbrook Meadow sometime between 5pm Monday June 9th and 7.30am on Tuesday June 11 (sic). Damage was caused to a door to the property and an Alba radio and Stanley knife were taken - total value �20.00
Inspector RogersIn the same locale a black Ford Sierra, which was left unlocked had an electric drill and two Shania Twain CD's stolen whilst it was parked in the communal carpark in the village between 7.30pm on Friday June 6th and 8.30am on Saturday June 7th. Anyone with information on any of the above crimes or who spots Stanley is asked to contact their local police station or Crimestoppers on XXXXXXX (number with held for security) Evening all.
WPC FullcupCanton Wok Chinese Take Away have reported the theft of a No.42 from their shop in Severn Street. Thieves appear to have misappropriated the said dish at some time between mid-night and 4.00am. Anyone with information on the aforesaid, please contact WPC 38DD on the crime hotline. UPDATE: Chicken Chowmein & Fried Rice was handed in this morning by a public spirited lady from Llandinam who wishes to remain anonymous.
D.C. Jock Strapp1Glasgow Central.I have taken notice in a Southerly direction of a communication from our Duvid Powitz colleagues about a theft of chinese food. Could there be a pattern here. We have suffered a number of thefts, mainly of pineapple fritters and other sweet dishes which have led us to suspect gang involvement by the infamous sugar tongs. But now we notice that there have been thefts of sweet and sour dishes and a latest case of a very spicy Singapore Chow Mein which suggests a hot escalation. We must nip this in the lotus bud. By the way, WPC. Fullcup, do you remember that refresher course at Hendon when you said that you'd show me your 38DD if I proved the truth of nothing under the kilt? What a night, I almost needed guy ropes to keep my tartan down. Anyway, lets keep liaising over this oriental cuisine crime wave and continue to show each other everything we've got.
PC Gareth BilingualWe are currently investigating the continued theft of listeners to the local Radio Station. "It simply cannot go on", said Station Manager Mr Ostrich Bowell, "This has been going on for years and and soon we are going to have to look at delivering our programmes on Cassette to save money" Further investigations have led to a likely publically funded suspect based in London. This rather nasty organisation has been stealing listeners on a nationwide basis and continues to do so. Currently we do not have the manpower to stem this growing crime.
P.C. RoddyDogging has been reported in Newtown's Dolerw Park. Naked forms have been seen in and between bushes soft and for the hardcore, spiky. Watch this site
Greg Dyke, (Now there's a thing!)P.C. Gareth Bilingual is obviously a pseudonym for that forked tongue spinmeister Alastair Campbell-Soup attempting to create a smokescreen over the dodgy dossier event by creating a sandstorm in a teacup over the stealing of listeners from little local radio stations who are beneath our contempt unless their listener figures start to get too big for their little green wellington boots. By the way I've got the Guvnors right behind me with only the slightest flash of cold steel in their fat hands.
D.C. Jock Strapp1 Dear WPC Fullcup, could you send me more details of the public-spirited woman from Llandinm who handed back the stolen Chinese meal. We recently had a theft of a number E32 from the Dragon's Lair namely 'Mixed Special in Hot Chilli Sauce' with a side order of 'Barbecued Spare Ribs in Cantonese Sauce.' It's just that an attractive lady of a certain age with a welshish accent and walking a stick insect, and a little inflamed around the lips, handed in a side order of 'Barbecued Spare Ribs in Cantonese Sauce' and hotfooted as fast as the insect's six little legs would go. In fact sparks and smouldering were spotted until they got out into the rain. The Desk Sergeant Jack Stropp a veteran who is not as sharp as he was thought they were rushing to catch the first train to Wales, But there was nothing before the next midday. No trace was found after the boiled insect paw prints gave out in the deeper puddles. It is thought that tiny snorkels may have been used and a micro-search by forensics is under way. So, any details you can give me about this mysterious woman would be welcome. By the way, Do you know that there's an inter-force-course next month. Maybe we could renew acquaitance and I've got a new and more flexible kilt with a heavy duty sporran. Your Colleague, Jock.
Alan Carter-Broth, 10 Downing Road, Penge. C.C. The Vicar of St. Albion's (or was it Dibbley? )How dare this Greg Dyke of q
A. C-B. cont........questionable antecedents and practices hide behind the camouflage of BUSH House. How low will he stoop! The public have a right to know and as a member and representative of that minority let him put his head above that furry parapet and show his face like the man his name belies! Rest assured I'll be dogging his heels!Al... Sorry, Vox Populli. (nothing to do with any Tony that you might know.)
Inspector RogersPolice are investigating the theft of a mobile toilet trailer unit with 6toilets basins and urinals from the Royal Welsh showgrounds:"The toilet unit is described as grey in colour with a ball hitch at oneend"
neville lumpkinsplease keep an eye out for a man of about average height and build with short hair and appearence wearing a cap and a nice clean apron as he keeps nicking my milk in the mornings
Inspector RogersA quantity of putty was removed from a window at a wll known watering hole on Newtown Station sometime during the early morning of Wednesday 17th September.If you are offered any putty please decline and inform us immediately.The proprietor Mr Sandals Size 8 1/2 said he did not think it was a dissatisfied customer still feeling peckish after closing time.
Inspector RogersWitnesses needed.A stick insect today was found to have fallen from Mrs Trellis's bush fatally injuring itself.If you saw this happen please contact the usual numbers.PS A memorial book will soon be opened
D-Sgt MousepartnerThe Case of the Station Putty was passed to me for further investigation. It now appears that the perpetrator, far from nicking the putty was, in fact, attempting to make off with the window! We are now looking for a glassless window frame of dimensions equal to those of the stolen glass. We are continuing to look into it.
Mr AnnoyedDogs always s*it and p*ss all over Crescent Street. This mainly seems to effect the left-hand side of the street. The owners should be put down.
Anon I Mouse We have putty, window frame and empty bottles under restraint. We will not harm them if you accede to our very reasonable demands that we will issue soonest. We enclose these small lumps of putty tortured into a rather scruffy stick insect shape and a sandal. Feed our needs or the consequences will be forever on your conscience .Inspector Rogers, keep out of it if you want to avoid an organic red wine bath!The Glazier Gang.
cecil arsecandlehave you ever noticed that you can never find things. i think there is a thief in newtown. punish him!!!!!!!!!
R.E. PorterFollowing a tip-off about fishy goings on, armed please raided premises in Severn Street. A spokesperson, Inspector Bicycle-Wheel, said that a number of chips had been seized that might have been used electronically to detonate Weapons of Mouse Destruction.
Raggy Old Man, Bag-dad. 14/12Soddom has been captured!'We've got 'im!' shouted Billy Bremner formerly of 'Leeds United Against the Bathists' also known as 'the dirty squad'. The capture was effected by the special ex-miners regiment, the Coal-Ishun Forces, following a tip-off from the Lemon Curds. He was found by Private Burrows at the bottom of a hole disguised as a dirty dishevelled spider with a monochrome beard. Found with him were various weapons of mouse destruction, a supply of cheese, and 750,000 almost US-less dollars together with a captive stick insect in a state of privet-deprivation. President Privet Burning Bush has offered his services, although he doesn't quite know what they are. Soddom's running mate Gomorrah, is still at large, underground, overground wombling free.Further bulletsin to follow if I don't get hit by a falling bullet or vulture.P.S. Dear Tone, where's my OBE Joyful?
R. E. PorterFollowing a Welsh Leek, I have information that the raid on premises in Severn Street may have been connected with the apprehension of Soddom the Great Dictator or perhaps, the escape of Gomorrah. This apparently followed a tip-off from a lady of a certain age from Llandinam, of a dishevelled man with a very greasy beard glimpsed under the counter during the past six months who appeared to subsist on a diet of chip fat drips.This would explain the pallor and overall sheen that characterised the photos in the press. The other theory is that it was a leftover Santa from the 2002 Santa run. Watch this space and hold the front page, but leave the other young royal servants alone, you naughty Prince of W.....
WPC SplitzOn a Sunday in January four unknown people sledgehammered their way into a shop selling old pieces and had it off with a couple of antiquated tables before equally antiquated local residents could grab their share. These highly sophisticated robbers managed to lose part of their loot and a member, with a brass knob and splayed legs approx. 18"x12" with fancy drawers. Anybody who has been offered an object fitting this description, please resist the temptation and contact Inspector Rogers on...(tel no. withheld for security reasons.) These crimes are not so rare, so best to stay up so you don't have nightmares.
R.E. PorterAs covered extensively by the twps at the Cuntry Miste in their edition of the weekend of the 6th of Feb. '04 High-tech Crime has hit Newtown where it hurts, in the pubic relations! The Newtown Forum Message Board has been closed down because of alleged obscene and slanderous material which Clarke Bent and his cronies don't really understand or appreciate and the site providers and servicers appear incapable of dealing with despite their high maintenance charges.! Community Police Co-ordinator and hit organiser P.C. Slaymaker aided by seconded Net- expert Ins. 'Spider' Squatter Are trying to get at the bottom...Sorry, that should read 'to the bottom' of this cyber scandal. Ins. Squatter is quoted as saying that as yet 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue!' whilst P.C. Slaymaker is reported to be anxious to talk to a Little Green Leprechaun! Is there any truth in the rumour that 'Stress Counsellors'are being called into Newtown Police Station? WATCH THIS SPACE!
terry knobon the 1st of march a pair of white underpants were stolen from milford road. the pants with a distinctive white patch on the fromt and brown streak on the back should be handed in to the police station if found.
egomouseHelp Ive lost my winky last time i looked was in the mirror some 12 years ago .... its never been used but i miss it so
Rigby Knicker-SnifferHaving kpt close surveillance and carried out extensive nasal research on Terry Knob's errant undies I can comfortably tell you from a safe but tempting distance that they have formed un unholy alliance with egomouse's winky to make up for t least 12 years of neglect and lack of fulfillment. They were last seen trying to get inside the kit of a more or less drunken yob outside Crytal's nightclub surrounded by some junior member's of the local Ladies' Circle who were showing various bits of netherware and their contents and shouting and singing 'Gi's a shag then!' in three part Welsh disharmony. So Terry Knob and Ego mouse get yourselves a life or share a flat in unholy deadlock.No apparent crime has yet been committed but Chief Inspector Iron Drawbrige' luxurious moustache has been twitching and at a sniff of a transgression he will be down on you like a ton of chips! Winky or no winky!
PC Tina CoffeeOn Fri 3rd June at approx 10:15pm my innocence was taken from me whilst walking through Dolerw Park, I also lost a small black lace thong & a packet of scampi nic naks.
Pete the Beat StanleyBe vigilant against sick opportunists in the Mid Wales area and help stem the rise of imported middle class Cajuns with flowery shirts at the village hall.
A public memberI have recently been offered two Shania Twain cd's by a swarthy individual smelling distinctly of Pineapple fritters - what should I do? (I really like Shania Twain)

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