New definitions
Please tell us any new definitions you may have heard recently for common english words
| SWANNABE | Ugly Duckling |
| 4 WOMEN TO EVERY MAN | Rejected tag line for Saga Holidays commercial |
| PROVERBS | Grammer enthusiast |
| ROCKET SCIENCE | Marginally simpler than the French election system |
| VANISH | a bit like a van |
| CRUFTS | Annual event where thousands of doggie entrants are whittled down to the one who looks most like a feather duster |
| DYSON | Result of crossing a Welshman with a Hoover |
| ENVIRONMENT CONFERENCE | Large meeting in far off place that delegates and government hangers on fly to |
| WARRANT | Any speech by George Galloway |
| DIAL-A-LAMA | Telephone helpline for Dyslexic Bhuddists |
| DIAL A PIAZZA | Italian mobile street landscaping service |
| TONKA | To fart in Yorkshire |
| DIAL A PIZZA | French take away based in Cardiff |
| REMOTE | Redoing the pond bit around your castle. |
| TRIFLE | Yorkshireman's gun. |
| DAIALYSIS | A Welshman with kidney trouble |
| DAIGEST | A Welsh Legionnaire |
| MASCARPONE | Our donkey has been blindfolded |
| DEFAULT | de person who is in de wrong |
| DAICOTOMY | a welshman who is in two minds about something |
| DAIVERSION | The welsh edition |
| DIS-ASSOCIATION | A club or society which a west Indian is no-longer a member of |
| SHAMBOLIC | False male genitalia |
| TOYOTA | Model of a real Ota |
| UNCTION | Missing a junction |
| JUNCTION | Refusal to go to a car boot sale |
| LOCUST | Thought to be the fastest devourer or food until a recent experiment using 6 teenagers and a fridge..... |
| MERKIN | Ocean dwelling mammals of French origin |
| LUCOZADE | Psychiatric help for the only gay in the village. |
| BENENDEN | Mr. Fogle's departure from Castaway |
| HAND JOB | Light manual labour |
| BLOW JOB | Working the bellows for a blacksmith |
| PLATITUDE | Masticated semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal |
| GARDENING | Station in the French town of Ning |
| PRESIDENT | Gift damaged in transit |
| PANTYHOSE | Men in tights |
| DISEMBOWELED | Fish out of water |
| REDOLENT | Fasting again |
| LIBEL | Brummie name tag |
| MOUSTACHE | In a hurry |
| FEATHER | Catholic priest |
| DESCENT | Returned mail |
| MUFTI | A fishy infusion |
| DISCONNECT | To rapidly finish a drink in order to dance |
| VALIDITY | Polish a simple tune |
| PREAMBLE | Preparation for a stroll |
| BOATER | Nasally congested engine |
| SAVIOUR | Donkey's benevolent fund |
| NOOKIE | Having many alcoves |
| FANTASIA | Yorkshire dweller who's fond of the far east |
| LUNATIC | A loft extension in a mental hospital |
| CONVEX | To annoy a criminal |
| CONCAVE | Criminal Hideaway |
| PALINDROME | Camel with two heads and no bum |
| LAMBAST | Offspring of a Welsh farmer |
| DECADENT | The tenth time you crash the car |
| DIURNAL | A very rich welshman |
| LAMPPOST | Fresh meat delivered to your door (more likely mutton with today's deliveries). |
| RECYCLING | Going somewhere on a bike for the second time |
| RUSSIAN ROULETTE | Game played with a pistol - or - polonium 210 and three aeroplanes |
| SEMICONDUCTOR | The new breed of bus drivers that have to take the money too. |
| PEKING DUCK | Bird that cheats at hide and seek |
| CHARMING | what happens when a chinese emperor is cremated |
| ASTEROID | laxative |
| CARGO | When the traffic lights turn green. |
| MANGO | When the man turns green at the pedestrian crossing. |
| BOOGIE | Brummie snot |
| VIRGIN RAIL | Cockney rhyming slang for ...snail |
| WARMING | Geordie's family heirloom |
| WARWICK | Geordie's candle |
| DYNO ROD | Poorly equipped Welsh angler |
| G | Half of a pantomime horse |
| HUMPHFREY | A treasonable act of chairman replacement |
| OYSTER | Chefs instruction to stop the sauce burning. |
| LUREX | Exhibitionist's condom |
| POMPOM | Fluffy tampon |
| PLUTO | Former "Cartoon Dog" who was recently demoted to "Animated Character" in light of the numerous dogs with larger screen roles |
| RINGTONE | How to contact the PM |
| GENETIC ENGINEERING | Science whose aim is mistakenly believed to be the improvement of the human gene pool - in fact the real aim of these scientists is to genetically engineer a willie with intergal buttons that can be used as a TV remote |
| Dustin true.like.foot.play. | |
| INCARNATION | A certain group of people getting into a car |
| KRAKATOA | To stub your foot |
| GROUT | A dog telling you that it's owner isn't in. |
| BAMBOO | Happyslapping for todlers |
| GASTRIC | The act of lighting a ciggy near a boiler with a faulty pilot light. |
| GASKET | Collection of items in a handy bag for a workman with Corgi resgitration. |
| BASKET | Collection of items in a handy bag for a sun worshipper. |
| MARKET | Collection of items in a handy bag for a new mum. |
| SELLOTAPE | Recorded phone call which starts "Congratulations you have won..." |
| ABOMINABLE | Plastic explosive inserted into a male creature of the bovine genus. |
| TESTICULATE | Waving your arms about and talking b*ll&*ks |
| ZOMBLE | Undead womble |
| FJIORD | Norwegian Car |
| GASTARD. | Useful term meaning someone of illegitamate birth. As opposed to someone who cuts you up on ther motorway. |
| SEMI COLON | Has a colostomy bag |
| COMMA | Lenin's mum |
| TRANSPARENT | The Mother or Father of a cross dresser. |
| BUDAPEST | How they handle a heckler at a Jamaican concert |
| FLY PAST | The one you managed to swat.... |
| NEW DEFINITIONS | Latest addition to my - "Things not to do when I'm drunk" list ( judging by my spelling on the last entry...) |
| PARENTS BINGO | Great game to while away those parenting tears - just beofre the birth of your first child create two lists of the things your parents said but you definately won't .e.g You treat this place like a hotel , don't come running to me with two broken legs, That's my electric bill you're running up etc . Now while away the next 18 wears happily ticking them off your list First one to to get 'house' wins a pair of senisble shoes |
| ACROBAT | Implement for hitting birds |
| WOMBAT | Something used to play Wom with |
| FLOWER | One who flows. |
| DINGBAT | Door bell whose ring is oddly outside of the range of human hearing (...often apparantly used by plumbers and meter readers) |
| IGNORANT | Not acknowledging the presenc of an Insect |
| DOGMATIC | Pulled by Huskies |
| SAUCY | Did a double take |
| RINGLET | rent boy |
| DIVINE | Where de grapes come from |
| GASTRONOME | Short chef |
| GESTICULATION | Internationally recognised sign language for "You are a tosser" |
| WHIPPERSNAPPER | Dominatrix with pmt |
| CLAPTRAP | brothel |
| HIERACHY | What Saddam Hussein used to be |
| SHIT | an abreviated vergian of shut it! |
| CONDOM | to trick somebody called Domonic |
| BITCH | a female dog |
| COMPLEX | Condom that's difficult to put on |
| HUNTINGDON | The search for a missing Mafia boss |
| DUREX | Condom used for one last fling with your former spouse |
| MATRIX | Stunts performed between April & June |
| SYMPHONY | Cloned Mobile SIM Card |
| COPULATE | A policeman who misses an appointment |
| BIN LADEN | A refuse receptacle which has met, or exceeded its design capacity |
| PETTY | Like a pet |
| WILLY WARMER | Something to warm your willie on a cold night. lol |
| MACKEMS | a bunch of gay boys |
| SINGAPORE | Unemployed Vocalist |
| TWO SHAGS | Mr Prescott's new nickname |
| MARTYRDOM | Speciality Condom for Massochists |
| TANZANITE | Cockney rhyming slang for a load of....rubbish |
| EURO DISNEY | Geordie euro-sceptic |
| DISASTER | removed her bum |
| DIVINE | Where de grapes come from |
| DINOMITE | the dinosaur might |
| DUBLINER | Voice over artist |
| CONSTABLE | that unpleasant person is now in a state of equilibrium |
| ANITA HARRIS | An operation for piles |
| BISON | Posh sink |
| DIVINE | Where de grapes come from |
| SHAMPOO | Artificial shit |
| DIVINE | Where de grapes come from |
| CONSTABLE | that unpleasant person is now in a state of equilibrium |
| AN OEDOPUS COMPLEX | weak bladder |
| CONSTABLE | that unpleasant person is now in a state of equilibrium |
| STIGMA | the mother of that rather scruffy boy who lives in the dump |
| DIVINE | Where de grapes come from |
| RECTIFICATION | Arse repairs |
| MASCARPONE | Cheesy Mafia gangster |
| DIVINE | Where de grapes come from |
| BIASED | Having two bottoms |
| FOCUS | We are ready for sex |
| BLUNDERBUS | A coach-load of bastards |
| NIGH | At this very moment in Ulster |
| DISCOMMODE | to push a person off the toilet |
| SPECULATE | Tardy optician |
| SHMEEK | Sound made by a Jewish mouse |
| CABBAGE | The length of time spent waiting for a taxi |
| ENCOUNTER | The one between m and o in a very large department store |
| MITIGATE | The door to your imaginary identity |
| PENULTIMATE | The world's finest Biro |
| RUBBERY | Delicious Chinese meal |
| COUNTRY MEMBER | Don't forget this unpleasant person! |
| NUISANCE | A replacement for your old sance |
| PISTON | taken advantage of |
| CASCADE | A charity dedicated to the preservation of real ale |
| EXPECTORANT | A mad tirade which reults in the other person being sprayed with mucus |
| DEBUNK | Fall out of bed |
| PANTALOON | Make an idiot breathless |
| DISARMAMENT | Ma Kalashnikov! |
| PARTICLE | Amuse one's father |
| FUTILE | An almost derelict roof |
| FORNICATE | A sort of beige Cathrine |
| GRAMMAPHONE | Mobile phone desinged for the pensioner's market. If features big writing, a handy clip for your shopping list and a wide choice of ringtones including Jerusalem, Bolero, the National Anthem and Donald Where's your troosers.....and it comes complete with its own packaMac |
| JAMES T KIRK | One of Yorkshire's famous sons - others include Winnie T'Pooh and Rupert T'Bear |
| ORGAN GRINDER | Indulges in one of the more extreme fetishes |
| WARSAW | Geordie's holiday snaps |
| KNEE HIGHS | Crap Geordie drugs |
| BUNGLER | Cake thief |
| PASTA | Suffering from very sticky turds |
| WEEVIL | Small insect - distinguishable by its abilty to wobble but not fall down |
| POLITICIAN | A brilliant lier |
| APPEARANCE | A Member of the Upper House is off on one. |
| WARTORN | It's Geordie's go.. |
| TITILATE | Hungry baby |
| TECHNOLOGY | Complicated stick |
| PROFESSIONAL | In favour of fessionals |
| NEIGHBOUR | Boring Horse |
| LIABILITY | A bullshit measure |
| LEADERSHIP | The boat in front |
| ENVIRONMENTAL | To be jealous of a man called Ron who is a nutter |
| ENGINEERING | A tiny motor used to place spherical objects in ear lobes. |
| DETAILED | Boxer dog |
| ALTERNATIVE | Changing indigenous peoples |
| FORMULAE | Bullshitting on a CV |
| CONSOLIDATED | A prisoner a Jewish man went out with. |
| MESSAGES | The time it takes to create a mess |
| GRAMMATICAL | Making a grandmother laugh |
| UNPREDICTABLE | A female it is impossible to have sex with first |
| ARTICLE | icicle carved by leonardo da vinci |
| FEMINIST | Half a female priest |
| TOULOUSE LAUTREC | A long walk to two french lavatories |
| UNDETERRED | Skid Mark |
| WARMED | Geordie's holiday |
| TUBA | Mutton |
| CELLO | Italian greeting |
| DOUBLE BASS | A pair of fish |
| DAMPER | Curse that noisy cat |
| DEFEAT | Found at the end of scousers legs |
| ANDROIDS | ..also suffers from piles |
| DELIBERATED | Result of getting nicked when on probation |
| WARWORN | Geordie's laundry |
| TEAR-JERKER | Sad wanker |
| TAURINE | Easily peeled bull |
| SUBSOIL | A dangerously wet fart |
| PARSNIP | What your Dad has when he doesn't want any more kids |
| PALINDROME | Michael's favourite camel |
| DELUGED | David Jason in a skin tight, full length body condom |
| DELTOIDS | Curiously strong Trotters |
| LOGARITHM | Lumberjack song |
| DELIVERED | Organ removal after being mugged in Bogota. |
| DALEK | Child abuse |
| DEFINITIONS | Scandinavian discriminition of the audibly challenged |
| BLING BLING | Ringtone a made by a gold plated, chunky phone |
| MORNINGTON | Side effect of a high fibre diet |
| CAMPING GAS | To fart like a big girl's blouse... |
| LEMONADE | PA to the late Hollywood actor |
| MARTYRDOM | the only prophylactic sanctioned by the Catholic church |
| PORTENT | inferior camping gear |
| CUSTODY | curse that creep |
| CABBAGES | How long it takes for your taxi to show up |
| BUTTOCKS | American with a face like a cow's bum |
| MISAPPROPRIATE | The right unmarried woman for the circumstances |
| CUSTUM | Curse that beer belly |
| HYPERDERMIC | Very intellectually challenged Irishman |
| MOSTER | Scary object |
| FLUFF | A pice of dust that has merged to become one biblicaly big pice of "fluff" |
| SILLY | When someone acts like a monkey on steroids |
| PARALLELOGRAM | The stripper at a mathematician's birthday party |
| BINGO | ..the wheelie bin is missing |
| BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET | Contortionist's party trick |
| BLUNKET | A form of blind mans bluff, where you try to find a tall-tail to pin the ass on |
| DINGBAT | Batman's doorbell |
| TANGENT | David Dickenson |
| EEE ...IT'S A BIT WARM IN HERE GROMMET. | Latest additon to the Oxford Dictionary of Famous last words |
| MANUFACTURE | Breakaway group from Old Trafford. |
| PENGUIN | Known criminal who Police want to question about the recent fire at Aardman Animations (May be disguised as a chicken) |
| HORS DE COMBAT | French mud wrestlers |
| WARHORSE | Geordie's pony |
| TROLLEY | Having the personality of a troll |
| GOBBET | Spit the alien |
| CONTRADICTION | Against lesbianism |
| LEMONADE | Much needed aid from the citizens of Lemonia |
| HEIRLOOM | Toupee making machine |
| DIVISION | The inability to see breasts size C or smaller. |
| KILT | Murrrder'd! |
| ROLLOCKS | Swear in Chinese |
| MARTYRDOM | Worn by man whose wife came off the pill ....after he refused to consider a vasectomy |
| TURPENTINE | Geordie highwayman |
| BODKIN | Aunt Flo |
| WELCOME | Appropriate response to "I can't hold it back any longer!" |
| MALCONTENT | happy shopper |
| BENIGN | what you are after you've been eight |
| HUE AND CRY | Any Richard Curtis film |
| BUNKUM | Cutting it fine with the withdrawal method |
| RAMBLING | Medallion sheep |
| TURBAN | Yorkshire city dweller |
| INNARDS | Bouncers at a night club entrance |
| SOMNAMBULIST | Someone who phones the emergency services in their sleep |
| SAMSONITE | A Pair Of Scissors |
| SCUD U LIKE | International Arms Dealer |
| WELSH COUNTDOWN | 20 consonants and one vowel please Carol |
| WISHY WASHY | chinese laundry |
| PICTURES | Children's game for two - each player attempts to remove 'items' from the others nose |
| RUBBER PLANT | Lead singer of Chinese Led Zep Tribute band |
| AMBUSH | The nether regions of a sow |
| TECHNO BLUR | Advertising driven belief that gadgets that resemble TV sci fi equipment are better. Eg people who believe that mobile phones are safe providing that they are set to 'stun' |
| UNDERDOG | from logging phrases |
| RUBBER PLANT | The act of placing a condom in a mates pocket with out them knowing. |
| STOOL PIGEON | victim of revenge |
| JARGON | stolen beer |
| TRIPE | A very red & soft yorkshire tomato |
| TOM | The chant of a Yorkshire buddist. |
| TOAST | The yorkshire man that holds a party |
| TILE | The walkway of a Yorkshire church. |
| PORCUPINE | Much missed pig |
| GRANNY BAITING | Family game where younger relatives try to convince granny that she is losing her marbles to avoid watching Songs of Praise. Tactics include swapping first names, speaking only in French and incorporating a willy warmer into her knitting. Winner gets control of the TV remote |
| SELF SATISFIED | Hermaphrodite |
| TWIGLET | Yorkshire toupe rental company |
| WARRANT | Going on and on and on about the futility of armed combat. |
| RAY | my name |
| TESTICULATING | Waving your arms around whilst talking bollocks |
| COCKSURE | Men's deodorant which comes with a 'tick' stencil - useful for perusading women that your willie is sponsored by Nike |
| UNION | Higher educated edible bulbous plant |
| OVER BITE | A single chomp that consumes the entire meal, the plate and the cutlery |
| ARSENIC | Annoying hedgehog |
| GRUESOME | Gardening success |
| NARCOPHILIA | The tendency to fall asleep whilst shagging dead people |
| KINGDOM COME | To climax in a extra large condom |
| CLUB FOOT | The calcaneus; talus; navicular; medial cuneiform; middle cuneiform; lateral cuneiform; cuboid. first metatarsal; second metatarsal; third metatarsal; fourth metatarsal; fifth metatarsal & phalanges covered in a rich milk chocolate. |
| BABE MAGNET | A new device for piglets made from polarised metal trotters |
| CHAV | A short possessive sneeze |
| FREEDOM | Condom obtained from the Family Planning Clinic |
| THE HOODIES | Updated and re-formatted remake of that 70's classic show |
| BIONIC | organic hedgehog |
| CRESCENT | A new perfume. Made from a salad food. |
| MORNINGTON | 907.18474 kilograms, before lunch. |
| SKI SUNDAY | First day of the yoghurt diet |
| MUNDANE | Boring foreigner |
| WATER OTTER | kettle |
| PANCREAS | A cooking pot, filled with most of a scream, perhaps only a whimper? |
| SPLEEN | and not heard |
| LIVER | An undead consonant found between Q and S. |
| KIDNEY | The leg articulation of a goat |
| CELEBRITY ROAD KILL | New TV show - every week one lucky viewer gets to try to run over a D-list celebrity using only their initiative ....and a Challenger tank |
| AMALGAMATION | Convention of dentists |
| POW WOW | Talking dog |
| PORCINE | The bankrupt relative of a rich tangent. |
| BOVINE | Climbing plant that grows nursery rhyme shepherdesses. |
| CAMP | The Cam found between Cam O and Cam Q. |
| MAMMOGRAM | Singing telegram, performed by Al Jolson tribute artist |
| EDICT | Had internet sex |
| PREM | LOVE |
| RHUBARB | Fence to keep kangaroos out |
| INTERCHANGE | Coin collector |
| TRANSLATOR | A post operative sex change person |
| EXTERIOR | A dead, small breed of dog |
| BACTERIA | The back roon in a cafe |
| POWER SHOWER | What you do after 6 pints of lager! |
| HONEY NUT CORN FLAKE | A specialist Pre-op transexual chiropirdist treatment for hard skin on the foot. |
| TENALADY | A drippy female opera singer |
| GINGER | The alcoholic beverage between the Whiskey jar and the Vodka jar |
| DUNE | Retirement home for reformed drug addict |
| WILLY-NILLY | A man with out a penis |
| ARM BAND | Military Music Ensemble |
| CONVERSATION | A talking police dog |
| EXPERTISE | The flirtatious woman that has those same sagging breasts |
| EXPERT | Breasts of older women |
| PRIZE DRAWS | the undies that you'll defo pull in! ;-) |
| BRICK LAYING | Rectangular building material fettish |
| SCENIC | A opportunist burglar |
| LENTIL | A jewish vegan |
| SHAMPOO | When your shit just doesn't make the grade. |
| INTERSECTION | Like a surgical birth procedure, but were the edges of skin or tucked in to form a smaller post baby tum. |
| POPCORN | What the fashionable folk get for wearing ill fitting but stylish shoes |
| HYDROLIC | An ice lolly designed to quench your thirst |
| DURING | Specialist condom, mostly marketed at the gay community |
| EXAMPLE | Post breast reduction op |
| JAB | to hit someone |
| LAMP LIGHT | The act of punching someone gentilly |
| WOOD LOUSE | Cheating husband with a erection |
| BALLOON | Nutter that talks bollocks |
| DISMEMBER | To insult someone's manhood |
| TEE-PEE | A very weak hot beverage |
| DOGMA | A Canine's mother |
| MUCUS | The sound the cat makes when you tread on its tail |
| BASKET | Alien in a fitted boned lingerie |
| LANCET | An alien with a spear |
| REMEMBER | Sewing a eunochs genitals back on |
| RELIEF | What the trees do in the spring |
| RELAX | A second go at curing that constipation |
| SPECTRUM | Liquor filled reading glasses |
| DISCONSOLATE | Playing a record at midnight |
| ASPIC | Those Sharp and shiney toilet paper sheets |
| EXTENSION | The stress is gone. |
| REMOTE | To renew the river outside your castle. |
| ARSENIC | Having sat on a razor blade. |
| SILVER SUFER | A granny at the launderete |
| DENTAL PLAQUE | An award for having decaying teeth |
| GANGRENE | Geordie hair bleaching accident |
| FLABBERGAST | What happens when you sit near a flatulent obese person..phew-eee! |
| PIN-TUCK | cosmestic surgery for sagging knees |
| CURRENT BUNS | Pre-bottom lift Op |
| ORCHID | Scouse sibling |
| CRAPPING | Enthusiastic Beijing audience |
| INCIDENT | pranged spider |
| VISITING | Oldest event in the Pensioners Olympics. One contestant (playing 'at home') visits youger relatives accompanied by a second player known as the 'friend' (playing away). The objective is to appear to 'not want to be any trouble' whilst maximising the actual inconvenience. Points are awarded for heaviest suitcase, most subtly offensive gift (eg air freshener, or a jar of good quality coffee), and for pleasantly critisizing the visitees taste in decor eg "what lovely curtains - we used to have some like that during the blitz". Bonus point are awarded for causing domestic rows and for forcing resident teenagers to introduce them to their 'interesting' friends. |
| FLIPPANT | Variation on tiddleywinks - using small insects |
| THE OXFAM CUP | Annual event in the pensioners sporting calender. Teams of two players play against the clock in an attempt to get charity shop customers to purchase specially planted, patently useless, items eg a device that simultaniously turns margerine into 'cream' and gives you body builder's arm muscles, a knitting pattern for a 1960's Fair Isle tank top, and a BetaMax video tape....etc. The team consists of the 'Coaxer' who extoles their virtues of these pieces of junk and the 'shunter' who concentrates on preventing the shopper from being buying other, items, using psychological warfare eg "It won't fit you dear - it's only a size 16" and "I can't sell you that - It doesn't have the correct ticket". Despite pitiful underfunding and lack of media coverage, the England team are the current cup holders. Hopefully, when our current champions Mavis (93) and Agatha (91) retire we will have sufficient players in their eighties to take on their mantle |
| DOUGHNUT | A Pre-0perative transexual Deer |
| FLAPJACK | The applicator part of a Tampon |
| COWARD | A room in a Bovine Hospital |
| MINGER | Collegue who is constantly whinging and fannying about |
| MENISCUS | Object thrown by woman with PMT |
| FK F | To insult someone in phone text |
| ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY! | Still young enough to be the pope |
| PRIESTHOOD | Vocation that requires you have a penis .... but interestingly also requires you to not use it. |
| DIVERT | Welsh Green Party Candidate |
| WINDOW PANE | That animated paper clip..... |
| GEORGIAN WINDOWS | Early Microsoft product |
| FORTESQUE | Entry line for an 80s disco |
| ASPEN | Used by tabloid journalists... to write out of their arses |
| DIABLO | Useless at oral sex |
| RAM RAIDING | Fleecing male sheep |
| CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE | Likely outcome of french kissing a cat |
| TESTICULAR | Bad tempered fridge |
| RUBBER DUCK | Sex toy for drakes |
| CARROTS | Unlikely to pass its MOT |
| CHESTNUTS | Extreme facelift |
| EPOCHS | Caught from Internet Sex |
| VASELINE | Row of flower arrangements |
| CAUTERISE | Attracted her attention |
| CORSICAN | Confident about his abilities |
| BROUHAHA | Act of revenge involving a mug of tea - made using a teabag that has been deliberately wiped under the toilet rim |
| SILICONE | An Ice cream wafer that acts the fool |
| ATOMIC | An irish male cat |
| ODE | A Senior citizen from Nottingham |
| COSMIC | Irish lettuce appreciator |
| TOTTIE | A yorkshireman's bed warming device |
| GROMMET | Alien's dog |
| PLANET | Organised alien |
| MOTORBIKE | Mobile tart service |
| AROMATIC | Electric powered long bow with autoloader attachment. (Handy for regaining Calais) |
| TURNIPS | What brummies have at the bottom of their trousers |
| TERSE | Driven by Yorkshire funeral director |
| CORSAIR | pubes |
| TRICKLE | A very tiny trick |
| PUNGENT | A man that thinks he's a comedian by twisting the meaning of words |
| SKID ROW | A washing line full of stained undies |
| TABLE | When a Yorkshireman can do something. |
| CODE | Nottingham speak for influensa |
| TARSE | What a yorkshireman sits on |
| TEASE | A cornish hot beverage drink |
| DISTINT | A smelly welshman |
| COPULATE | The police officer that arrives far too late at the scene of a crime |
| PANTALOON | A breathless idiot |
| DUMPY | Eighth dwarf ... who left just before they became famous |
| FORK LIFT TRUCK | Over eater's kitchen gadget |
| FULCRUM | The sheets after breakfast in bed. |
| CUCUMBER | Traffic jam accross a river in Hull. |
| DOER | deer shagger |
| STAIN GLASS WINDOWS | Monitor needs cleaning |
| FRENCH WINDOWS | The reason that PC was so cheap... |
| TRIDENT | Joyrider's three point turn |
| UNDERLING | Beneath the fish |
| COSMOLOGY | Theory that the universe is made of lettuce |
| OATMEAL | Oral sex |
| HAMPTON | A big pig |
| HAMLET | rent-a-pig |
| HAMSTER | Causing distress to pigs |
| STRUMPET | How to get music out of your cat |
| CALORIE FREE | Belief that free food has no calorific value. Also known as Buffet Syndrome |
| OXYMORON | A waste of oxygen |
| DYLAN THOMAS | Soporific Welsh Rabbit |
| HIJKLMNO | Water |
| DESPISE | Liverpool branch of MI6 |
| DEFLUX | Hard of hearing in Yorkshire |
| PISSIMISSED | Achieved wall splash on a toilet that was half empty |
| DOAP CAKE | Cannabis for pensioners -served with a napkin and a nice cup of tea. |
| KINGDOM | Extra large condom |
| BOTOX | A face like a cows bum |
| PUDDING | Result of crossing a turd with a doorbell |
| GEGS | Scrambled eggs |
| BOBFOC | body off baywatchface off crimewatch |
| PUGLY | across between pig and ugly |
| EDIBLE | Internet police officer (head hunted from Topcat's alley) |
| FOUNT | Opposite to lost |
| DINT | Opposite to did |
| SHUNT | Opposite to should |
| CUNT | Opposite to could |
| HULLOO BALLOO | The correct way to address a bear |
| HARDWARE | Leather Jacket and bullet belt |
| FRENCH HORN | Late night Channel 4 movie |
| TINT | Opposite of tis |
| PETROL | Wall paper for the animal companion enthusiast |
| DUREX | A very long lasting pet dog |
| BABY SHOWER | What you get if you don't change a baby boys nappy quick enough |
| BENZENE RING | Gang of chemists |
| DINGO | Car game played in the Australian outback. Contestants shout out eveytime they see something eg Dingo, Roo, tree, Dingo, tree etc .The game ends after several hours when someone shouts House! - indicating that they have now reached their next door neighbour's residence |
| LIPOSUCTION | oral sex |
| STUCK ON YOU | Just one of the many side effects of confusing a Pritt Stick with a lip gloss |
| GOTHIC GOTHIC GOTHIC | Rousing chant of the Custard Makers Association |
| LAST POST FEMINISM | Germaine Greer on Celebrity Big Brother |
| FLYER | What you cook your spring rolls in |
| MARATHON | A race for the mother of an egyptian God |
| EXTENSIVE | The object for fishing small particles of debris from a church font... but with a handle which can be made to be very long |
| PRINTER | A alien that works as a journalist |
| PUNCTURE | Piece of classical music written by an Anachists |
| MASSIVE | The object for fishing small particles of debris from a church font |
| TUNTRA | The noise which always follows lightening in Ireland |
| CHICKEN-TIKKA | Onomatopoeic word referring to a single iteration of the noise a train makes. |
| ISLANDIC | A benefit dependant persons food Cupboard |
| DIABOLICAL | The act of a welshman talking on the telephone to one of his own Testicles |
| DISCO | A welsh supermarket |
| DISSEMBARK | A group of Welsh men that remove the voices from dogs for a living |
| DISSOLVE | A welsh crossword puzzle |
| DIRECTION | A welshman's excited Penis |
| MASTICK | A special glue for attaching flags to Flag Poles |
| FLOSS | A Welsh four legged Animal used for racing/hunting & carrying people on its back |
| FLOOZEY | The 'Flow back' feeling from having sex with a Welshman |
| SCRUMPING | Sexual contact during a Rugby game. |
| BIGAMIST | Fat bird coming through the doors on 'Stars in their eyes' |
| DICTATOR | Male genital that's shaped like a root vegetable |
| TOON ARMY | Group of Geordies responsible for global warming and tidal waves |
| CRAMPON | Very large tampon |
| PARAPHERNALIA | Gift that would be improved by dousing it in paraffin and setting light to it.Candidates include: Any clothing with reindeer on it, music compilations that "are not available in the shops" and anything kitsch that is part of a 'strictly limited edition' |
| DIB DIB DIB | A trio of Welsh boy scouts |
| FORE FATHERS | Rapidly becoming the social norm |
| BLEMISH | Spotty Belgian |
| NIPPON | Tampon with poorly designed applicator |
| EXHIBITIONIST | Flasher in an art gallery |
| TELEPATHY | Watching an entire episode of Eastenders because you can't be bothered to look for the remote control |
| GLOBALISATION | Modern custom of naming children using an Atlas eg India, Georgia, Chad .... and the less popular Turkey, Bangkok and Milton Keynes |
| GUY GAN GUCH GUY GOWN GONTHLS | I can touch my own tonsils |
| KHAKI | What starts your Ford Mondeo |
| DIAPER | Welsh impressionist |
| DIE | Welsh drug dealer |
| WHIPPET | Kinky Alien now living in Yorshire |
| TROT | What happend to Tcompost heap |
| TRAMP | Yorkshire disabled person's adaptation |
| TOGGLE | The act of looking at an atractive female in Yorkshire |
| LIPSTICK | A Tampon |
| MARS | The thing at the bottom of Mback |
| HOT SEAT | The toilet of a Curry house |
| WIND VANE | The act of boasting about your flatulence |
| SYCOPHANT | Pachyderm with a cold |
| MUFFLED | Sporting a chastity belt |
| MULTIBIRD ROAST | Chrismas roast involving mulitple boned birds. A sparrow is stuffed into a starling, pushed in turn into a guinea fowl, which is then inserted into a pheasant. This continues with a duck , a turkey, goose, emporer penguin, emu, ostrich ... and finally Vanessa Phelps |
| DEFENDANTS | Champion the cause of insects |
| GIRAFFE | Wine container with a long neck |
| SOFT SHOE SHUFFLE | Conga line at the old folks home |
| SANITARY TOWEL | Native Owl of Yorkshire, noted for its clean nesting habits. (also known as the Red-breasted Snowy Owl) |
| FLAMBE | Hazard of overrly vigorous Welsh lovemaking |
| CRAGGY | Aged star of Scooby Doo |
| LIEU | French toilet |
| LIEUTENENT | French public toilet attendant |
| COUP | An uprising of chickens |
| TWO IN THE BUSH | Manage a Trois |
| DIAMETER | Welsh exaggerator |
| MONOPOLY | Parrot that doesn't sleep around |
| POLYGAMIST | Parrot who sometimes does it for a lark |
| CRAB STICK | Souvenir from Bangkok |
| DILATE | A welsh man that spent too long with his sheep |
| DIVULGE | Welsh men's genitals |
| WIND VANE | A flatulent make-up artist |
| ADDRESS | You girlfriends wardrobe |
| CABLE | The hairstyle of a welsh man's lover |
| SPROUT | A naive boys group |
| SPEW | The exit line of a theme park ride |
| RADISH | The part of a salad that holds you spellbound |
| DIET | An alien that now lives in Wales |
| TRUMPET | A flatulent alien |
| SPRING ROLL | Annual sex session by couples that stay together for more than 10 years |
| TARKA DAHL | An otter that writes story books for children |
| DRY ROASTED NUTS | A sun bathers genitals |
| SALTED NUTS | A runners genitals |
| TO KEEP ONE'S HAND IN | A practicing Gynecologist |
| BEGGAR YOUR NEIGHBOUR | Shopping them to the DSS |
| POPSICLE | Ruptured scrotum |
| DEFER | Bikini wax |
| STUFF THE TURKEY | See 'UNDERDOG' |
| BLUNKET | Cockney rhyming slang for "flunked it" |
| TRIANGLE | All managment theories are based on a triangle. To create a new managment theory yourself, draw a triangle on a piece of paper. Next write a random word at each corner , eg cheese, wheelbarrow, chair. Now write some twaddle to link these items.Eg "The wheelbarrow shows us carrying our daily workload. To help in this task we get nourshment or 'cheese' in the form of management. But sometimes its important to take time out from this routine, sit on the chair and consider just how we could achieve our goals more effectvily...." etc . Managment books usually devote one chapter of waffle per triangle. |
| THE EMPORER'S NEW CONSULTANTS | Consultants who claim that an organisation can be transformed by using the Consultant's 'System'. Only 'Key Personnel' will be able to see the benefits of the 'System'. Non-team playing employees will just see the mangement being suckered out of wads of cash |
| ANALLY RETENTIVE | Still married to that arsehole |
| MR AND MRS | Another favourite event in the pensioners olympics. The game is played when younger relatives are trying to watch television. Points are scored for distracting viewers by claiming non-existent relationships between the persons on screen eg "That's Barry Cryer - he was married to the Queen Mother". Bonus points for getting someone to take look at their bunions/varicosde veins/urine sample. The game ends when participating pensioners receive a nice cup of tea. |
| A BIRD IN THE BUSH | Thrush |
| PSEUDO-BUSY | Any activity which prevents you from helping your spouse with the housework but which actually achieves nothing. Common pseudo-busy pastimes are are, trying to make a bath whirlpool spin the other way, making sure that all the matches in the box point the same way and removing sheets of toilet roll untill both layers end at the same place. |
| TIME ON YOUR HANDS | Result of a cosmology experiment going badly wrong |
| NUT ROAST | Standing too close to the fire |
| STOCKBROKERS | Bookies - but with nicer furnature and worse odds |
| HUMAN CLONING | Human cloning was performed extensively during the 1970s. Public reaction was tested by using the clones as 'contestants' on the popular show Ask The Family. Suprisingly the public never noticed the uncanny similarity of each family or that each family comprised of a chartered accountant, a housewife and two children called Gerald and Janet. Under threat of exposure by a national newspaper the government swiftly shelved the programme and chief scientist Prof Robert Robinson took early retirement |
| H32 | Pencil grade favoured by IKEA |
| FENG SHUI | Drunk glaswegian talking to his boot |
| TIME SHIFT | The difference between traditional Newtonian time which has fixed units of hours and minutes and Quatum time which can be indefinately compressed to fit between any two fixed points or 'milestones'. Quatum time is favoured by project managers. Workers traditionally use Newtonian time. Hence - Shift Happens. |
| CARET | Alien transport |
| DUPLEX | A pair of condoms |
| LOP EARED | Victim of a short sighted rabbi |
| MINT SAUCE | Welsh aftershave |
| VINDICATOR | Drunk rabbi |
| ONE - NILL!! | Orgasm cry of a Millwall supporter |
| ACCUMULATE | Male sexual partner appreciated by women |
| CHEESE BALLS | Personal hygiene problem |
| FISHMONGER | pimp |
| WOAD | depressed frog |
| AMPHITHEATRE | Place to take depressed frogs to |
| CORSET | An Alien that tells rude jokes |
| RENNET | A cure for indigestion in Aliens |
| CORN MEAL | Dining out at a comedy club |
| READY OATS | A morning erection |
| ANNUS HORRIBILIS? | Latin translation of - Does my bum look big in this? |
| LITTLE BOY BLUE | Famous contortionist |
| HORNET | Aroused alien |
| SHOE HORN | Shoe fettishism |
| HARD FLOORING | A washable alterative to carpet that's a real bugger to install |
| TABLE LAYING | Furniture fetishism |
| A STATUE | A telephone for the hard of hearing |
| SHEPHERD | A Welsh pimp |
| PASTURISE | The act of watching Kelly Holmes in running a race |
| LAMPOONING | A welshman seducing a young sheep |
| SHEEPISH | The scent of a Welsh man after sex |
| DIE BACK | A welsh man returning from his sheep |
| DIE DOWN | A depressed Welshman |
| DIE CAST | The actors in a welsh theater production |
| CELEBATE | A joyous get to gether championing the times that sex is scarce |
| TINY | What a American-Yorksire person calls their backside. |
| STICK | Sound that a sclock makes |
| CAUSTIC | lettuce bomb |
| CLIMBING ROPE | Firmly attaches several climbers together - to stop the sensible ones escaping |
| TRICYCLE | Jake the Peg's bike |
| HOMOGENEOUS | An IQ of Stephen Fry |
| OSTRACIZED | When Bert and Ernie aren't speaking to Big Bird |
| I'M A CELEBRITY, GIVE ME WADS OF CASH FOR WHINGING | Rejected title for popular TV series |
| DIESEL | Welsh Internet auction |
| TART | Found in galleries in Yorkshire |
| FUEL | Smelly petrol |
| DIETION | A welsh eye sight specialist |
| DIATRIBE | A welsh family |
| MINCE MEAT | The genitals of a gay man |
| DRAGEE | An female impersonator enthusiast |
| DRAGSTER | An infant female impersonator |
| ATOMIC | Small particle that craps on your garden with mild indigestion |
| ICE AGE | The period of a relationship following 'the Passion' period |
| VENTRICULE | The external part of a fridge that houses the fan |
| MOLECULAR | Mole's fridge |
| ATOM | Small particle that craps on your garden |
| LUKEWARM | What Matthew, Mark & John asked Jesus when the pilot light blow out |
| LOLLYPOP | A shop-a-holic |
| WOOD STACKER | A prostitute |
| MORSE CODE | A chill caught by detectives on servalance |
| HOB NOB | Common injury affecting tall men - caused by standing too close to the cooker |
| LIMBER | Sound of a wooden leg falling |
| ASP | Donkey with a lisp |
| TRUMP | Flatulent tart |
| ARCHIVE | Place to store old bees |
| ACCUMULATION | Badly stained area of a bedsheet |
| COCKATRICE | premature ejaculation |
| MOLECULE | Mole - wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap |
| PALTRY | small chicken |
| BEGOTTEN | Offspring whose conception you were too drunk to remember |
| MODICUM | moderate orgasm |
| SPOON | Someone that is stupid |
| DANDELION | Strutting big cat |
| SOYA MINCE | Camp vegetarian |
| BESTIALITY | Much nicer than worstiality |
| BEDRAGGLED | Scruffy female impersonator |
| SPRUCE | Like a larch but smarter |
| CARPET | Talk incessantly about aliens |
| THE COUNT | Distinguished academic recently headhunted from Sesame Street to oversee the Florida Voting system |
| DRAGOON GUARDS | A regiment of female impersonaters |
| COQUETTE | flirty potato |
| MASTICATION | Oral sex for one |
| PHILANDERER | Randy stamp collector |
| TENDON SAW | Jogging injury |
| DIURNAL | Found in the Gents toilets in Wales |
| BONFIRE | Overdone cake |
| PUMPKIN | Borrow money from family |
| ASPRIN | Suprisingly - not a suppository |
| ANIMAL HUSBANDRY | See 'UNDERDOG' |
| ANGRIER | Germaine's sister |
| MR WHIPPY | Speciality poo - achieved by moving the hips in a circular manner |
| MONTHLY PAYMENT PLAN | New Blood Donor scheme for women |
| TARTRAZINE | Playboy, Penthouse etc.. |
| CAREERS | Ears resembling wing mirrors |
| NUCLEAR FISSION | Extraction of huge amounts of energy from very small fish |
| SCOFF | Deliberate cough - used to imply that the other party in a conversation is talking rubbish |
| VENACULAR | Sexually transmitted disease that is caught from vampires |
| FIGHTER PLANE | Feisty woodworking tool |
| DUCTILE | Colourful and waterproof wallcovering made from flattened ducks |
| LEGEND | foot |
| POINTED STICK | Seemingly harmless item which, in the wrong hands, becomes a Wepaon of Mass Destruction |
| TONGUE TIED | One of the more obscure forms of sexual bondage |
| HOOVERRATED | Assessment of something supposedly OK but which actually sucks. Eg "that film is so hooverrated" |
| HOOVER HEIGHT | Measurement of how much something sucks e.g. I give your software a hoover height of 9.8 |
| EMPLOYEE EMPOWERMENT | The zenith of management delegation - whereby workers shaft themselves |
| QUANTUM SOCKS | Physists now beleive that many socks form quantum pairs. If the location of one sock becomes known then the other sock immediately converts itself from matter into pure energy |
| DOG EARED | Embarrasing facial disfigurement |
| FEMIDON | Mafia matriarch |
| LAWN TREATMENTS | Weapons of Moss Destruction |
| HERBICIDE | Killing off people who have annoying American names |
| PSEUDO-MASOCHISM | For people who just like to wear leather and chains |
| HUMPHREY | Genetically modified camel |
| COLONIC IRRIGATION | Excessive punctuation: |
| MONOPEDE | A centipede with 99 wooden legs |
| FAWNING | See 'UNDERDOG' |
| SUBMISSIVE | Servile memorandum |
| DEMO MARCHING | New event in the pensioners olympics. Contestants get to simultaniously relive thier youth of the 1960's and bring London to a standstill. Points are awarded for best placard and touching up police officers - actual arrest counts double. |
| MUFFLER | Fur-lined knickers |
| OKEY-DOKEY | Okey-Cokey for Yes Men |
| FLOP | A pair of flipflops - with the left one missing |
| BAMBOOZLE | What you get if you cross bamboo with a woozle |
| SHELLFISH BUSTARDS | Latest movie from Disney in which a young prawn loses both parents in a fishing incident. Fortunately he is rescued and befriended by a flock of large vegetarian birds |
| WANTON | The sort of woman who hangs out in Chinese takeaways |
| THEN MAKE TIME! | The innovative science of Management Consultancy spits in the eye of conventional physics |
| ABERRANT | naked insect |
| UNCONVENTIONAL | 3 nuns on a pub crawl |
| BARSTOOL | Illegitimate item of furniture |
| ABDOMINABLE | Sticky out belly button |
| STAGE FRIGHT | ...and year 6 recorder class will now play their own medley of SPICE Girls tunes..... |
| WINKING | Bad habit. Excessive winking can make you go blind |
| FREE WILLY | Loose fitting Boxer shorts |
| BALL PARK FIGURE | Modern Managment Term: Closest English translation is "Pin the tail on the Donkey" |
| NEO-COSMOLOGY | The latest theory in which the unverse is made from elastic bands and bits of string. This has led some people to postualte that God lounged arou |